“I’m only HUMAN after all”
I was just listening to a few videos done by some teachers and it brought to mind a few frustrations. I listen and hear what they are saying but, often it doesn’t sound like reality. It sounds like a fabulous make believe place that is currently, with 3 kids and 2 businesses, unachievable.
We all are looking at being spiritual but you know, we are human, we occasionally just want to swear, drink, smoke, be naughty, and you know, that is part of what spirituality means to me. Spirituality means to be a part of life itself, to turn into it, the good and the bad, the naughty and the nice, the bliss and the storm.
“Being hacked off every now and again is ok. Eating shitty food now and then is ok. Having a drink now and then is ok. It’s the belief that you are more spiritual than this, that you are not that person that wanted to mung down 2 bars of chocolate and some cheese, well you are that person, so it’s time to accept it. It doesn’t mean that you are going to continue to be unhealthy, they you are going to continue drinking and smoking. Right now that is what you feel like doing, and that’s ok….”
I used to genuinely hate (almost as much as someone telling me to be patient) the phrase “you know you are exactly where you are supposed to be”… Then I realised, there must be something deeper to this that I am missing. I sat with the phrase for some meditation time… Eventually it came to me;
Stop looking to the future or the past for my answers and deal with the shit that is going on right now. I am experiencing it, right now, it doesn’t matter where I have been or where I plan to be; they mean nothing to me at this wonderful moment, so just breath and realise I am are exactly where I need to be, right here, right now, in this one incredibly precious moment. I am alive, I can move, I can think, I can communicate, I can start again.
Being mindful doesn’t mean you put yourself in a bubble, all you are doing is finding another way to hide from the world; to hide from yourself, your feelings, your reactions. To those embarking on this mindful path, at the start this is how you will feel, you will feel inpenetrable, you will feel in control, but even this control is a form of defence. Thinking that mindfulness is a way of controlling your environment or controlling your emotions, controlling your mind, then you have been reading the wrong book, watching the wrong youtube clip.
Mindfulness is awareness, mindful is awareful, you are never mindful of your thoughts, mindful of your feelings, you use space you learn through meditating to become aware of them to feel them, to flow with them, gradually turning into them rather than turning away from them. Tara Brach in one of her amazing talks emphasized the need to “turn into these feelings with a gentle openness, a gentle touch, a touch of compassion.” This to me meant not turning into them with your ego fully ablaze, ready for a battle, or ready to tear up the hurt and anguish you felt in what ever past moment or life.
Mindfulness = Gentleness, kindness, being generous to yourself. Open and forgiving. Awareness of life. Awareful
Much gratitude and kindness
(picture courtesy of Rag'n' Bone man Youtube channel)